Sunday, December 31, 2017

We Need Gary Larson!

Our time has gotten too serious. Even television humor-oriented programs tend too much toward depressing politics and world affairs. 

And, let's face it: 2017 has been a rough year for Alabama. 


What we need is some old-fashioned twisted humor to get us through. 

Although Gary Larson has not produced The Far Side for 23 years now, his cartoons are still as fresh and funny as back then. Here's homage to The Far Side from And some cartoons:

Thursday, December 28, 2017

The Shoals Freeze

It's pretty well less obvious now; but at one time the Shoals Area was characterized by a certain defensiveness and distrust of outsiders and new residents of Florence and Colbert County.

Some of this was, retrospectively county-based. There was the old saw about the true Colbert County resident who would never vote Republican, vote wet, or spend a dime in Lauderdale County. And, obviously, shopping was usually limited to one side of the Tennessee River or the other.

Three things affected that: (1) the development of Regency Square Mall gave the more snotty Court Street and English Village stores get some competition; (2) The Fundamentalist churches lost their political clout, as illustrated when Colbert County and Florence went wet years ago; and (3) Renegade consumers found going to Huntsville more attractive.

So, although I went to BHS and lived in Florence for years, I'm not as keen on shopping locally.

There's one first-class place to eat: Rickatoni's. Otherwise, there's fast food or chain restaurants. 

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

More About Our Special Senate Election

I'm pretty satisfied with the outcome of last week's Special Senate Election in Alabama, speaking as an insider. I'm not sorry with the outcome.

But the National news coverage of it gives me some pause. 

First of all, there was excessive coverage of it. After all, it's only for a damned Senate seat.

But secondly, the tone of some of the opinion pieces had carried a tone of utter surprise; kind of like an overly censorious grandparent expressing surprise that her boisterous grandchild did not do something embarrassing, for a change. One even said that we need more pressure from our betters to do what they consider to be right.

Okay, we might have had our share of rough times lately. Remember the Luv Gov, perhaps?

But we in general have our hearts in the right place. And we showed it.

And we don't need some columnist from the Post or Times to throw shade on us.

Now I get it: the Post has a real hard-on to get Trump. Sometimes they don't play fair. But only an idiot expects a lack of slant or bias from a newspaper.

There's a place for Democrats in Alabama. But look for them to be non-Pelosi Democrats. And there's also room for third parties. 

Historically, the largest reason why Alabama turned Republican is because of a split in the Democratic Party back in 1985. That race was between then Alabama Attorney General Charles Graddick in a runoff with then Lt. Governor Bill Baxley.  Graddick, who was the the more conservative candidate, won by a few thousand votes. However, Baxley sued, claiming that Graddick violated primary regulations by encouraging Republicans to "cross over" and vote as Democrats. Graddick, maintained that this was legal because Alabama was an open primary state. The dispute made it all the way to the state Supreme Court, who told the Democrats to either declare Baxley the winner by default or hold another primary. The party went with Baxley. A lot of people got pissed off; and turned around an voted for Republican Guy Hunt. Guy Hunt was less than a stellar Governor; but the Democratic Party gave itself a self-inflicted wound.

Monday, December 18, 2017

What's With the Cleveland Browns?

The Cleveland Browns looked like a contender in the preseason, going 4-0.

However, during the regular season, they're 0-14. Will they have a perfect season? Check them out on Dec. 24th and Dec. 31st. They will still play the Bears and the Steelers on those dates.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Alabama's Special Senate Election

Alabama's Special Senate Election gained a lot of interest; partly because nationally we're very primed for politics, because Alabama managed in its own way to have it as colorful as possible, and because it gave a lot of people an excuse for Alabama bashing.  Oh well, it's over with a close win by Doug Jones over Roy Moore.

Now so many are acting like it's a total surprise. Don't be totally surprised. Let's consider how things shook out, as we say.

1. Jones won the four most populous counties (Jefferson, Mobile, Montgomery, and Madison). Those include Birmingham, Mobile, Montgomery, and Huntsville. And also a lot of suburbs. Looking at the precincts there also indicates that Jones won with a lot of middle class voters. In a lot of ways, the population voting patterns were roughly identical to how they went in Virginia a few months ago: urban vs. rural.

Roy Moore, by way of contrast, was strongest in the stretch above Tuscaloosa and around Gadsden, other than Madison. These are counties that are marked by lower education levels and which tended to become less populous.

2. African-Americans came out and voted. This is apparent in the south central counties where they are near to or actually the majority, and in Birmingham and Montgomery.

3.  There was an unusual number of write-in votes. I would surmise than most of those couldn't quite vote Democratic; but could not stomach Roy Moore, either. It was significant that the other Alabama senator, Richard Shelby, asserted that he wrote in the name of another, unnamed Republican, instead of voting for Roy Moore.

4.  The accusations regarding Roy Moore and teen girls did turn off a lot of voters. That's all people talked about. Doug Jones's support of abortion rights, while a handicap, turned out to be less of one. In short, Moore came out looking toxic.

5.  The National Republican Party was initially cool to Moore; but largely changed its mind due to the prompting by President Trump. As it turned out, they missed an opportunity to come out smelling like a rose in this whole weird story. 

6.  And, damn it, Roy Moore would do such puerile stunts like riding his horse to the polls to vote. This conveyed the undesirable impression that Alabamians are hicks that do quaint things.

Anyway, I've got a smile on my face today. I guess there will not be a lot of work done today in Alabama; but some great sex going on tonight!

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Seven Good Reasons for Farting

It's better to fart when the need occurs. Here's seven good reasons why.

The smell is actually a good thing.

Several studies have suggested that smelling your own farts is actually a good thing, as they contain compounds which can prevent numerous diseases. The rotten smell occurs due to the presence of hydrogen sulfide, which can be toxic in bigger amounts, but beneficial for your heart in smaller doses.

Monday, December 4, 2017

My Opinion on the Playoffs, Which Is Not Worth Much

This year, in college football, there is no clearly defined team overwhelmingly superior to others. Finding an undefeated team in 2017 is, in set terminology, almost the empty set. (Like the number of virgins in my old high school.)

No, wait, there's the University of Central Florida, for what it's worth.

Okay, despite having been given that fact, there's still the need to select four teams for the playoff. 

Clemson, Oklahoma, and Georgia have strong cases. And, over all, Alabama played well except for the last game.

On the other hand, Iowa State beat Ohio State like a cheap drum, 55-24.

So, given that there are no playoff virgins around, except UCF, it gives Alabama a strong case. After all, they are in the SEC.

What's going to shake out from this is now anyone's guess.

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

A New Republican Manifesto*

Okay I'm a Republican; not a card-carrying one as Alabama doesn't issue 'em. And I want to say that for the past several years the G.O.P. has had its head in its pachydermal ass by emphasizing the wrong things and failing to keep its focus on basic principles.

Anyway, here's a few things I think the party should focus on.

1.  It should support the freedom of people to make contracts in whatever form they want.  And, guess what?  Here's some parts of the deal.  

a.  Marriage is, in its essence, a type of contract.  And if two people of  the same sex, or three people, or four people are adults and actively desire this and consent to its form, then the State or the Federal Government should have no particular interest in the matter.

b.  While I'm not in favor of unions, if the workers of a company and the company itself wants a local union, then minions of the state should not try to exert pressure to discourage it.  That twerp Bob Corker of Tennessee got his fingers into the question of whether the VW plant in Chattanooga should unionize and may have influenced the outcome by dubious predictions.

2.  It should encourage commerce; but should not selectively boost or bail out some industries or cities, for that matter.  The "Too Big to Let Fail" concept may be invoked for GM; but Saturn can go down the tube.  After all, it's only Tennessee.  And when it comes to cities, Boston or New York will likely be bailed out.  Right now, Birmingham is in bankruptcy.  But the Federals are kissing it off.

3.  One thing that the Party should be for is individual freedom.  Yes, and that includes operating your business on Sunday, buying and drinking alcohol if desired, and using pot.  The Federal Government should not be in the morals police business, and neither should the State or County authorities.  (Madison County is, thankfully, wet!)

4.  And this goes for sex toys too.  A gal (or guy) should be able to own as many dildos or Real Girls or gupieres as one pleases!

5.  We should stop spouting that Tea Party nonsense.  What sort of Federal spending ought to continue?  Well, that regarding health, research in basic science, having an adequate military ability to respond to whatever contingencies there are.  Some government is necessary.  Those are examples.  Basic research is underfunded right now because small-minded people look only for an immediate payoff.  [Okay, I'm in favor of health care spending, but do it right!]

6.  We should be against spending dough we don't have.  If we see there's a need for something, be it M-22 light sabers, sex ed for teens, or rim jobs for Senators, then we should pony up the dough for it by passing some tax with the money earmarked for it.

7.  We should become the Party of Fun, not the Party That Scolds.  Leave that to the Democrats or the Tea Party rump element.  And I mean rump in the sense of what is sat on.  Take not counsel of your false friends, the religious right.  They're the right only to use you, donkey brains!

8.  Be for peace, but be prepared for war if needed.  But don't get involved in fights that unwinnable.  Also, if it's a Europe matter, let the E.U. do it.  The combination of the Wehrmacht, the French Army, and the Italians should be daunting enough.

9.  Jesus H. Christ, come up with some better possible candidates than Mitt Romney or Rick Santorum!**

*A repeat from 2014.

**And especially Donald J. Trump and Mike Pence.  

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Roy Moore Should Withdraw!

You can read the whole sordid story in most places; but I recommend

Even before these allegations, he was a loser in so far as being a judge was concerned even before getting on the State Supreme Court. Instead of upholding the laws and constitutions of the U.S. and State, he interpreted things in his own singular fashion.

And now these allegations regarding teen girls -- too much!

Roy Moore should withdraw his candidacy. 

He's an embarrassment to all.

Monday, November 6, 2017

Changes in High School Football Participation Rates

Lately there has been serious reporting about the long-term possibility of traumatic encephalopathy problems among players of football. 

While it is premature to conclude any cause-and-effect, there was in Alabama high school sports a 7% reduction in participation rates for football participation between 2015 and 2017. That's a real surprise in a short period of time.

Who knows, maybe there will be fewer chronic traumatic encephalopathy cases locally in the future.

I see this as a good sign. We should not be so cavalier about the long-term health of young people.

Saturday, October 28, 2017

This Law Is Total Bullshit!

There's good legislation, and there's bad legislation. 

Lately the Alabama legislature has been coming out with some lulus. Here's one that takes the cake.

Alabama has a law that prohibits crossover voting. What this means is that, if you vote in a political party's primary, you are supposed to obligate yourself to vote for the nominee of that party in the general election. And, if you vote in one party's primary, you are not supposed to vote in a different party's runoff.

Okay, here's the kicker. Alabama's Republican Party had need of a runoff between Luther Strange and Roy Moore. Less than stellar candidates, to be sure. The state's Democratic Party had its candidate win in the first primary.

Are those first primary Democratic voters supposed to sit on their hands for the Republican runoff?

What about people who suddenly see the light and now think Republican; or get socked off their horse like St. Paul? 

(Actually, it can also work the other way around.  Both political parties can suck from time to time.)

And the law in question also calls for district attorneys to go after crossover voters and poll workers who let them do it.

But the law in question does not allow for people †o have second thoughts, or to revise their thinking.

Bad legislative thinking! But not surprising; this is Alabama!

Monday, October 23, 2017

The Special Alabama Senate Election

It's still a month and a half away, but the Senate election between Roy Moore (R) and Doug Jones (D) is getting a lot of local and national attention. 

Right now polls says that the two candidates are in a dead heat; but there are a lot of undecideds. Another unknown is how many people won't vote. 

Only 14% of voters participated by voting in the Republican runoff. Is interest that low? If that's the case, then all bets are off.

We'll have to wait until December 12th to get closure.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Richard Brautigan Poem

The petals of the vagina unfold
like Christopher Columbus
taking off his shoes.

Is there anything more beautiful
than the bow of a ship
touching a new world? 

Sunday, September 24, 2017


I like boobs, I like tits,
before you touch, you must get permits.
Nothing like a nice pair of assets,
oh how puppies make nice pets.
Bazongas are boobs that are large,
strippers and hookers, will always charge.
Nothing like the perfect bosom,
but only on the perfect woman.
Breasts are yummy dark or white,
but first you must wait for an invite.
Some girls even have a third nipple,
do not squeeze says Mr. Whipple.
I don't mind girls on the itty, bitty, titty committee,
on a carpenters dream, I show no pity.
They could be called a bust, some call them cans,
a woman's squeeze box, all men are fans.
Chesticles is a term I have never heard,
but everyday, I learn a new word.

I like cones, I like jugs,
girls with big ones, I give hugs.
Al Bundy loved calling them hooters,
at the restaurant, I wish I was one of the recruiters.
A girl with a nice set of knockers,
might find herself with unwanted stalkers.
Fergie sang about her lovely lady lumps,
a good set of melons, still give me goose bumps.
Boobs always come in a pair,
why do bra's, they have to wear.
Even men who smoke lots of crack,
still can appreciate a good sized rack.
I don't care if there fake or real.
in a crowded room, I always cop a feel.
Girls love showing off some cleavage,
I wish I lived in a booby village.
Babies need breast milk to make them stronger,
if the mom is hot, they may do it longer.
In conclusion, I love boobs,
with whipped cream or melting ice cubes.

Monday, September 18, 2017

I'd Like to Change My Vote Retroactively

Okay, okay! Enough, ready!

Last Fall, I thought both political parties came up with awful candidates. I wound up voting for HRC, simply as the lesser of two evils.

While Donald Trump has done nothing to change my negative opinion of his candidacy since, Hillary Clinton has managed to spend the past six months or so to make mine of her more negative than it was before.

Specifically, her book What Happened depicted her in a very self-serving, negative manner. She in no way owned up to why she lost.

Why did she lose? 

It wasn't Bernie Sanders, or James Comey, or young women failing to vote their sex. Not really. It wasn't the plethora of "deplorables" as she styled them. 

But doing so was a gaffe of the first order.

Some of it was her suckling up to the udders of Wall Street, some of it was the lingering bad taste from her husband's two terms, some of it was that she came on with a sense that she was entitled to the nomination by the Democratic Party.

And Madeline Albright's remark about 'the special place in Hell for young women who don't support her.'

No, she lost because she was not seen as trustworthy by a lot of people.

The scandal of the superdelegates helped make the Democratic Party's selection process look like a rigged deck.

And she thought that she had Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania in the bag; and consequently didn't campaign there like she should have.

So for whom would I like to change my 2016 vote to?

Bubba the Cat!

Because I think that a representative of felis catus would have made a better President, and more honest, that the two that the Republicans and Democrats came up with.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Where Is Mississippi?

The Seattle Times, when it published a map on the projected path of Hurricane Harvey, showed this one:

Clearly, they must regard Mississippi as inconsequential. Maybe because of their football.

Best wishes for relief for the affected people of Texas! 

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Tuesday's Special Senate Election

Tuesday's special election to fill in the seat vacated by the state's official Keebler elf, Jeff Session, presents some of the usual suspects and possible surprises. 

Well, there's Big Luther Strange, tainted by being named to the seat by The Luv Guv Robert Bentley, himself. There's Mo Brooks, of Tea Party-like appeal, and there's that disgusting Roy Moore. What a line up! 

And there are some unsung Democrats who might have a chance if Roy Moore gets the Republican nod in their primary. What a future is in store for the poor U.S. Senate!

And politics old-style is still going on. Donald Trump and Mitch McConnell, not bosom buddies to be sure, both endorsed Big Luther. While Trump won Alabama last November, Alabama voters typically don't take kindly to outsiders, including from NYC or Kentucky, telling them how to vote or what to do. 

Roy Moore will get the Fundie vote. Though God knows. Or some ignoramous preachers.

And there's those attack ads by Luther Strange implying that Mo Brooks is in cahoots with that odious Nancy Pelosi. What a scream! Pelosi couldn't sell ten dollar bills at a 50% discount in AL.  Still, some people might believe it.

Anyway, this is going to be really ugly, however it turns out. Even the national papers are following it.

The bottom line is that Alabama is in the twilight zone when politics are destabilized. At least the Governorship seems to be on an even keel and football season is soon to start.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

An Incident at Gulf Shores

A Michigan guy named Matt went with his buddies to Gulf Shores to check out those Alabama women and party. Mostly with beer. So they purchased a cooler and a bunch of cases of beer and went down to the shore.

Well, our Wolverine had a few; and incautiously mixed some rye with the beer, making Michigan-style boilermakers. He felt full of Dutch courage, so he approached a pretty brunette.

To emphasize his language, he approached her with a little show-and-tell. Yes, Matt pulled his equipment out and asked her what that was.

Her reply was, "That's a tee-hee."

Matt smiled, and thought about how innocent and easily embarrassed those Southern belles were. He told her, "Back in Michigan, girls there call it a prick."

Her response was, "That's a tee-hee. That's too small to be a prick!"

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Mo Brooks and the Succession to the Senate

Yesterday one of the Senate seat aspirants for the seat vacated by Jeff Sessions, Rep. Mo Brooks (R -Huntsville) offered to withdraw if the other candidates would also. This would open the possibility of Jeff Sessions returning to the Senate.

Not likely. I can see Luther Strange sticking around, despite the odor of non-sanctity bestowed on his candidacy as a result of being appointed by former Governor Robert Bentley. (The Luv Guv.)

Anyway, where are the other possible viable candidates for the U.S. Senate nowadays?

Monday, July 10, 2017

Coke, Soda, or Pop?

I found this nice map that illustrates what people call carbonated beverages. In the South, we call it generic coke [Purple]. In the East and California, they're referred to as "soda." [Blue]

And in the Midwest they refer to them as "pop" [Yellow; Shudder]

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Yorkshire Cartoon

Toppling the Ten Commandments

Roy Moore, formerly of the Alabama Supreme Court, once erected a supersized Ten Commandments there before another court ordered it removed.

Some people in Arkansas got the same idea, and did likewise on the Arkansas capitol grounds in Little Rock. This Ten Commandments lasted about 24 hours before someone took it out with his handy truck. It sounds like it was intentional iconoclasm.

Great driving, Buddy!

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Give Me That Old Time Religion

Give me that old time religion
Give me that old time religion,
Give me that old time religion,
It's good enough for me.

Let us worship Aphrodite
In her silky see-through nightie
Though she's mean and somewhat flighty
She's good enough for me.
Let us sacrifice to Isis
She will help us in a crisis
And she hasn't raised her prices
And that's good enough for me.

Let us sacrifice to Kali
Let us worship her, by golly
To ignore her would be folly
And that's good enough for me.
Let us worship Zarathustra
Let us worship like we used to
I'm a Zarathustra booster
And that's good enough for me.
Let us all bow down to Buddha
There's no other God who's cuter
Comes in copper, brass, and pewter
And that's good enough for me.
Let us travel to Valhalla
In Volkswagens, not Impalas
Singing "Deutschland Uber Alles"
And that's good enough for me.

Let us pray with dear old Buddha 
'Cause there ain't nobody cuter 
Comes in plastic, wood and pewter 
And that's good enough for me 
Let us pray with those Egyptians 
Built pyramids to put their crypts in 
Covered subways with inscriptions 
And that's good enough for me 
Let us pray with good old Loki 
Let us pray with good old Loki 
He thinks Thor's a little hokey 
And that's good enough for me 
Let us pray with those old Druids 
They drank fermented fluids 
Waltzing naked through the woo-ids 
And that's good enough for me 
Hare Krishna, he must laugh on 
To see me dressed in saffron 
With hair that's only half-on 
And that's good enough for me 
Let us pray with lovely Venus 
Of the gods she is the meanest 
She once bit me on the... elbow 
But that's good enough for me

Saturday, May 13, 2017

The Fly in Social Media

Reasons for discontinuing social media vary: it eats up time, it results in conflict, people make catty remarks, and it fosters a sense of discontent and dissatisfaction with one's own life and accomplishments. A big one, in my opinion, is the time it demands to follow others and to write about oneself.

There's the realization that web pages are a form of self-advertisement. Some people find it needful to portray their life as more interesting and successful that it really is, given that so many others engage in glowing self-descriptions.

Lately, though, another reason has emerged from the chorus of people angry at the doings of Donald Trump. While you might expect conflict and irritation by people who disapprove of his particular viewpoint, and sometimes this gets rebutted impolitely, some people expressed dissatisfaction with being exposed to people incessantly complaining about politics; even if they largely agreed with the viewpoints being expressed.

I think this is the result of the repeated reminders that things are off kilter; and that things are as bad as they seem. There's no respite from reality. Things are bad; and there are no guarantees.

I wonder how it was in the days of Nixon and Watergate. Did people feel so hopeless then also?

And there might be a certain amount of anxiety lest one is found to be incomplete in one's orthodoxy regarding the prevailing viewpoint.

We are not in terribly forgiving times; live and let live is not in many playbooks.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

A Prom Ride to Remember

Prom Night is memorable for teens; and it helps if the occasion is marked by novelty and excess. 

Some go in a limousine.  However, this happy Priceville couple went in a novel way: by Weinermobile!

Monday, April 10, 2017

Resignation of Robert Bentley

Today Governor Robert Bentley resigned as Governor of Alabama and pleaded guilty to misdemeanor charges. Thus ends an overlong, lurid saga in Alabama history that was marked by a series of government changes. His resignation completes the trifecta, following the resignation of House Speaker Mike Hubbard and the ouster of Chief Justice Roy Moore.

Following, he became widely known as the "Luv Guv."

This saves a lot of expense, uncertainty, and spinning of wheels in the State governor.  Finally, he did the right thing and put the rest of us out of our miseries.

Best wishes to new governor Kay Ivey.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Suspended Teacher

Metro News reported that this teacher was suspended for posting this provocative selfie in a Facebook account on the internet.

I have a few questions:

1.  Is this provocative?

2.  Should she have been suspended for posting this selfie?

3.  What, specifically, is offensive about this picture?

Care to comment? Please give us the benefit of your opinion.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

No Cash

Apparently some businesses prefer that you use credit. Apparently, crotch sweat and boob sweat taints money for some people.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Hooray for Playboy!

With all this collective insanity of late, at least something has finally gotten back on an even keel. 

Yes, Playboy is returning to pictures of nude women! 

Maybe Alabama will end its political nuttiness. And maybe some stability will creep into the Trump administration. Is that too much to hope for?

I might as well also see aviating swine.

Still, hooray for Playboy!

Thursday, February 9, 2017