Thursday, May 31, 2012

Snake-Handling

It's saying a lot, but one of the more bizarre forms of relgious expression comes in the form of snake-handling in religious services.  It is scripturally justified by this passage: And these signs shall follow them that believe: In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues. They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover. (Mark 16: 17-18.)

Occasionally snake-handlers are bitten by the poisonous snakes they handle, but justify the practice as an expression of faith.

Alabama, Tennessee, and Kentucky have laws forbidding this practice.  It's done only by a few rural churches of the Holiness Pentacostal variety, or Church of God with Signs Following.

Women in thehe groups wear no makeup but wear ankle-length dresses and don't cut their hair.  They meet several times a week for very long services.


Monday, May 28, 2012

Brooklyn

Kentucky will join Illinois as the second state to sponsor a high school bass fishing state championship, starting next April.

Kentucky's High School Athletic Association announced back in February that bass fishing, bowling and competitive cheer would be added as sports in the coming year.

Ride 'em Bass Cowboys, says our fair rider, Brooklyn!










Saturday, May 26, 2012

Where Cousins Can Marry

A common interstate aspersion on the internet is to refer to the natives of one state to be "inbred."  This is particularly likely to be made regarding the Deep South or Appalachian states.

But what are the facts?  No really hard data.  But all states specify that marriage between siblings in prohibited.  But what about cousin marriages?  Here's a map taken from Wikipedia. 

Red states specifically prohibit cousins from marrying.

Dark red states make their doing so a criminal offense.

Pink states ban them from doing so, but with exceptions, such as being older, or infertile.

Dark blue states allow them to do so. 

Light blue states allow them with restrictions or exceptions.

Think of those incestous New Yorkers or Californians when someone accuses people from your state of being inbred.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Statue Fondling

Statue fondling is a public deed.

  Should offenders be forced to register as sex offenders?

Please think of the statues!















Saturday, May 19, 2012

Now We Have a War on Testicles

Oh brother!  Now we have a soverign Southern state that's declared it to be unseemly, obscene, and unlawful to display those fake cojones on the back of your vehicle.  Yes, South Carolina does it again!  You can read all about it here:

 http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2012/05/07/national/a105130D16.DTL 

Apparently the trappings of bad taste are now illegal. 

Now that our legislature (Alabama's) seems to be showing more restraint than its neighbor, Tennessee, and avoiding passing silly laws, will this bit of idiocy interest some Mongtomery-visiting clown who wants to make a name for himself in state politics?

I hope that it won't.  After all, who wants to be known as the anti-ball candidate for [Fill in public office]?

But are these truck balls offensive?  I think that people can get offended over anything.  Anyway, my girlfriend and I were driving in for work on I-565 and we saw a dump truck with a set.

Jessica laughed, and thought they were hilarious.  Now, she's  not some tattooed redneck with a rap sheet: she's another Auburn engineer and is a young Southern lady.

It's nice when girls like balls.


The maker of this motivational poster apparently had issues,
 that neiher Jessica nor I share.




Friday, May 18, 2012

Saggy Pants Are Still Okay in Alabama

A bill banning saggy pants is dead. The Alabama Senate killed the legislation, after lawmakers voiced concerns that the law would be difficult to enforce. It was a local law, that would have applied only to Montgomery County. The bill's sponsor, state Rep. Alvin Holmes (D-Montgomery) says he intends to bring the bill back next year. Holmes says he finds it disrespectful when people wear their pants so low, that their underwear is exposed for all to see.

Next year it might be the whole state.


Or maybe not.

Alabamians dare defend their rights, including the right to have saggy pants.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

"We Look Like Mississippi"

North Carolina Governor Beverly Perdue had strong words Friday when asked about Tuesday's vote on Amendment One.


"We look like Mississippi," the governor told WITN-TV.

Unofficial returns show the amendment - which defines marriage solely as a union between a man and a woman - passed with about 61 percent of the vote to 39 percent against.


Don't get me wrong: I would not have favored that amendment, either.  But why pick on Mississippi?  This was a cheap shot at an innocent bystander state.  She should apologize. 


Actually, if she wanted to be more devastating, she could have said, "We look like California," which has a $16 billion deficit.  Or New Jersey.


Anyway, the NC Gov's remarks were just tacky.  Almost common and NASCARish.  Why start a fight with another state?

Monday, May 14, 2012

To Amarantha, That She Would Display Her Bosom

To Amarantha, That She Would Display Her Bosom


Amarantha sweet and best,
Ah hide no more those wondrous breasts!
As my curious hands and eyes
Wish, being below thee, to espy.

Let them out as unconfined
As thy delightful uninhibited mind,

Who with no intent of being crude
May wanton careless in the nude.


Every strap must be undone
But all only in the spirit of clean fun;

Let only wholesome thoughts prevail,
As you should release them, everyone.


Do not tease on the balcony
In thin halter of gauze uncanny;
Like the sun in its early ray,
But shake thy chest and scatter day.


See it opens! And reveals the truth
Not merely two, but all forsooth,

Leaving a true beatific sight,
Offered on that New Orleans night.


Here you'll undress and stoke our fire
Whipped cream below, massage oil higher:

And when all wishes are drawn dry,
I'll leak a tear out of my eye,


These subtle pleasures shall leave
Those mundane cares we can deceive;
Or our very fervent desires,
That joys so ripe, so little fire.



Inspired both by Richard Lovelace and a frisky girl on a balcony in New Orleans.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Political Nonstarters: Bully Politicians, Little Swiss Misses, and Barack's Birthplace

Good goddam gravy!  The news media and the online crazies (all crazies, in truth) contribute to the sea of crap that we have to wade through by bringing up these nitpicking details.  What is accomplished?  Well, air time is filled, a newspaper or magazine has words, words, words, excitable people are jacked up when their time would be better spent jacking off.

Some cases in point.  Mitt Romney's alleged bullying.  Maybe he did, maybe he didn't.  Jesus Haploid Christ, people!  When this supposedly occurred, he was a teen!  All of us did dumb, hurtful things that the mature person would not and retrospectively regrets.  Let it pass, people.

And Michelle Bachmann.  Apparently she got dual citizenship as the result of marrying a Swiss guy.  Like good Baptist girls and sex, she never used it.  And she renunciated it.  So she was part Swiss?  Well, is it really so bad if she likes Swiss cheese instead of cheddar?     And I'm taking graduate courses at UAH.  Does that negate my membership in Auburn Nation?

Where our President apparently got born is something that the birthers (is this capitalized or not?) got worked up about.  Like who should give a royal damn?  Frankly, I don't give a damn if he was born in a manger!  The fact that he got the majority of votes on Election Day should trump anything else.

I'll tell you who cares in each case: it's people who are trying to further an agenda.  There's the rub.  It's news if it furthers the cause.  That being the case, truth is relative.  If you believe that, then the Sophists have won.

Now let me be nonrelative and unequivocal.   Marisa Calihan is absolutely a ten, totally beautiful:

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

We Need a New Constitution!

The Constitution of the State of Alabama was adopted back in 1901.  It's the longest still-operative constitution anywhere in the world!  This is not good.

The Alabama Constitution has 340,136 words.  It's about 12 times longer than the average state constitution, 40 times longer than the U.S. Constitution.

About 90 percent of the Constitution's length, as of 2011, comes from its 827 amendments.  Most of these cover only a single county or city.  Because of this, the election ballot in Alabama is often complicated by statewide voting on strictly local illues.  Like I really care about what salaries probate judges in Bullock County have; or whether Randolph County can float some bonds.  I don't even know where they are, being in Madison County.

Looking it the process the other way, the 1901 Constitution gives very little governmental latitude to cities or counties; so much must be voted on statewide.  This is really dumb and inefficient!

And, of course, the old Constitution used racial language, was cumbersome, and was deliberately intended to disenfranchise African-Americans.  Boo!

Opposition to Constitutional reform is often linked to paranoia: too many people fear the result of a Constitutional Convention.   It's not a political party thing; it's a state sectional thing.  No one wants to be diminished in power or possibly out of a job.

But, it's the length,  Alabama's Constitution is like a burqa -- it's too cumbersome and unsightly.  Let's switch it for a Bikini Constitution!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012