Saturday, March 31, 2012

Improperly Supported Cantilever

A bra has similar forces in it as in the design of a bridge.   Just as a bridge is affected vertically by gravity and horizontally by earth movement and wind, forces affecting a bra's design include gravity and sometimes tangential forces created when a woman runs or turns her body.  These constitute a design challenge.  The movements, while ethetically delightful, nonetheless constitute a design challenge.  In physical terms, a good bra design's challenge is to enclose and support a pair of semi-solid masses of variable volume and shape.  Together they constitute boobs.  The ultimate basis of bra design is that of a basic cantilevered support.

Bras are like suspension bridges.  Their engineering should be that the weights of the breasts (about four pounds each in the case of D-cups) requires a design so that the weight is distributed to both the back/chest region and the shoulders.

hHe young lady below has improper positioning of the shoulder staps, causing more weight to be borne by the back and increasing the risk of a bra malfunction.  The shoulder strap tie should be behind the neck.  On the other hand, we might get lucky....

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Two Things (Or Three) to Be Thankful For

Thank President Reagan for winning the Cold War and the fact that the Superpowers are no longer playing brinkmanship.

Also, thank goodness for cute Russian girls!

Monday, March 26, 2012

A View From Another Angle

According to a poll reported in Esquire Magazine, these are the
reported preferences guys have with regard to women's breasts:

Small but firm        28%

Pointy and perky   38%

Huge                             28%

Does not Apply         14%


Saturday, March 24, 2012

The Ben Gals

Bengals cheerleader, 43, says squad members torn by implants

The Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader squad is known as the Ben Gals.

Not all of the Ben-Gals get along. "The most prominent division on the Ben-Gals is not between the young girls and the older girls but between the Real Boobs and the Fake Boobs," Vikmanis writes in her new book. "This is despite the fact that at any given time, a third of the Real Boobs are considering implants."

"Can't we just get along?"

                                   --Rodney King

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The Approach-Avoidance Conflict

Suppose you met a really hot girl, and would like to know her better.  She's the President of the University's Calculus Club.  Do you learn calculus in order to impress her?  Think carefully of your answer, Podner.

Chainmail Bikini

She was afraid to come out of the closet,
She felt as naked as she could be;
It was all they had in the closet
And she knew everybody would see.

One, two, three, four
Tell the people what she wore

It was an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny chainmail bikini
That she wore on a dare today
It was an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny chainmail bikini
And in the closet she wanted to stay.

One, two, three, four,
Dammit, dammit tell us more!

She was afraid to go on the beach now
So a big pullover was what she wore
Anyway, it was cold in the building
So she didn't show any more.

One, two, three, four,
Tell us more!  Tell us more!

It was an itsy-bitsy teeny-weenie chainmail bikini
That she wore for the first time today;
An itsy-bitsy teeny-weenie chainmail bikini
And much less than she wanted to stay.

She thought that people would stare
That was a given, you see.
But didn't know she would care.
But for the way people looked at she.

It was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weenie chainmail bikini
That she wore for the first time today;
An itsy-bitsy teeny-weenie chainmail bikini
So in an old jersey she wanted to stay.

She quickly jumped in the water,
Not too bright, but felt that she must;
She stayed in for a long time
And the darned thing started to rust.

It was an itsy-bitsy teeny-weenie chainmail bikini
That she wore for the first time today;
An itsy-bitsy teeny-weenie chainmail bikini
So in the cold water she wanted to stay.

Friday, March 16, 2012

The Cowboy and the Yuppie

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page onthe Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he
then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog!"

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The Alabama Primary

The choices, frankly, sucked.  But they definitely will be on Election Day in November.

Here's someone who doesn't:

Angel, thanks for reminding me of Olivia's intrepid plung into the humonguous chocolate pie!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Daylight Savings Time Sunday Morning Blues

Daylight saving time comes hard in the Spring.  Losing that hour can royally screw up your routine that not even a venti cup of coffee from Starbucks can help.  It really didn't help that my girl and I got coffee at a bookstore in Jones Valley, and as we were heading back, we got held up by off-duty policemen stopping traffic so a bigass Church of Christ could let its cars out of the church parking lot.  And they held us up for a long time!  Danged Fundies!  And my girl had to pee real bad!  Nothing like dampening her Daisies to spoil her mood!

It's decidedly unchristian for them to hold up other people so the righteous can get a head start on seating for lunch at restaurants.  Oh well, here's something to smile about.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Monday, March 5, 2012

And God Created Alabama

In the Beginning

God was missing for six days.  Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.  He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" 

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael.  Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.  I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."  "Balance?" Inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor.  Over there I've placed a continent with a lot of water and over there is a continent that's arid," God continued pointing to different countries.  "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a smallish land mass and said "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God.  "That's Alabama, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, deserts, streams, hills, and forests.  The people from Alabama are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world.  They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace and football."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God?  You said there would be balance!!!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in Montgomery."