Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Super Bowl LIII - The "Let's Pretend" Bowl

Okay - this Super Bowl is one to howl about. The Patriots and the Rams; Boston and L.A. And douchebag officiating.  The N.F.L. adds to its list of late fuck ups.

In my opinion, the Kansas City Chiefs and the New Orleans Saints should be in this one. But lousy officiating held sway. And I was promised pizza and a roll in the hay in lieu of The Diminished Big Game! Oh, and a little quality time at Regency Square Mall.

So I figure we'll be joined by a lot of other people. Let's face it: if local sentiment is a subset of national sentiment, there's going to be a lot of people that will join us in our passing on LIII!

And OMFG! Will some surprise basketball game draw the audiences? Or will the desperate suddenly get religion and a need for some hymns?

At least our running dog legislature is quiescent. Unlike that train wreck that we call national politics. 

The Great Government Shutdown is very much like an elephant toiling in labor and giving birth to a nit!

Monday, January 28, 2019

We Need a New State Song!

We need a new state song - one more in touch with the essence of Alabama and its people.  Let's face it: "Alabama" by Julia Tutweiler just doesn't make it. Let's leave naming a women's prison after the old girl, and let it go at that.

So what should be Alabama's State Song? This is a no-brainer, in my opinion. 

Let it be "Sweet Home Alabama," by Lynyrd Skynyrd.

The "Alabama Song" by Kurt Weill is too Germanic, although the Doors did a good version back umpteen many years ago.

If "Louis, Louie" and "Rocky Top" can make State Song Valhalla, then "Sweet Home Alabama" sure as hell can make it too.

WaR Damn Eagle!

Saturday, January 26, 2019

Helen Keller Jokes

How did Helen Keller meet her husband? On a blind date! 

How did Helen Keller pierce her ear? Answering the stapler. 

Why does Helen Keller have holes in her face? She tried eating with a fork. 

Did you hear about the new Helen Keller Doll? You wind her up and she bumps into the furniture! 

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They stuck a plunger in the toilet. 

Have you seen a picture of Helen Kellers dad? Neither has she! 

What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder? Endless love.

Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants? So you can read her lips!! 

What was Helen Kellers favorite childhood game? Musical Chairs 

Did you know Helen Keller was one of the first people to go to Disneyworld? Neither did she. 

Whats Helen Kellers favourite movie? Around the Block in 80 Days. 

What did Helen Keller say to the shop assistant when she knocked over a product-display in the store? Just looking! 

How did Helen Kellers parents punish her? They stuck doorknobs to the walls. 

What did Helen Keller say to the priest? Nothing, she didn't know he was there. 

Why were Helen Keller's hands purple? She heard it thru the grapevine. 

Why did Helen Keller go crazy? She was trying to read a stucco wall. 

How did Helen Kellers parents punish her? They left the plunger in the toilet.

Why can't Hellen Keller jump out of an airplane? It scares the shit out of her dog.

 What's Helen Keeller's favorite color? Black.

Thursday, January 24, 2019

Profound Psychological Statement

"If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole." -- Raylan Givens (from Justified)



Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Tuesday Joke

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. 

Her name was Claire-Lee and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He became quite besotted with Claire-Lee and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. 

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Claire-Leewhile he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with   Lorraine and get it on with Claire-Lee. 

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.  But one day Lorraine ran off with a tech representative.

The guy was dismayed at first; but then changed his mind. He thought:

"I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone."

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Cold Water on a National Myth

Let's start off by dismissing that myth that our nation is one happy family.

The fact is, we're a heterogenous group of people, living in different regions, with different economies, different customs, and having somewhat differences in aspirations.

And, very importantly, there are possibly economic conflicts that regularly occur between regions. Look at when Alabama picked up Airbus. Sour grapes for that came from --guess where?  Washington state. Likewise, the fact that cars are now being manufactured in Alabama, Tennessee, and Kentucky did not sit well with some Midwesterners. Oh well, things happen. And Ford and G.M. just ain't what they used to be. And some Southerners are going home with some pretty good biweekly checks. And Fresh Market is now a shopping possibility. And, wow! We can do opera, if we want to. And don't have to slave all day in a hominy mine.*

Anyway, guess what happened when various large cities competed to win the second headquarters for Amazon: In that case, NYC and Washington won out. And the big $$$$ went there. Amazon staffs lower-paying jobs at regional fulfillment centers like the one in Chattanooga.

And there is always the specter of California dominance. Thank God for the fact that each state has two senators. Otherwise we would be buried.  Yes, even Wyoming has two. California is fine, if you want to buy into the California package. Some don't. A half-hour in L.A. traffic convinces me of that. [Not that I-565 is a picnic during rush hour.]

Why are Americans so diverse in attitudes in different regions or states? Well, there's different history, as a starter. And all regions have their skeletons in their closets. There's climate. There's population density. There's core beliefs. And there is the relative unfamiliarity that most people have with some other parts of the country. 

God knows, I'm not making a screed for secession. But I am saying that we should give each other allowances. Think of the United States as kind of like a couple sharing a double bed. We should be careful not to pull the covers off your bedmate.** And not to screw her or him unless that's mutually agreeable for both of you.

*That, folks, is a joke.

**Queen- or king-sized beds are a great thing!

Monday, January 7, 2019

The New York Times Article

The shit is hitting the fan in Alabama this week; or will do so when what was reported in The New York Times gets widely reported after the Alabama - Clemson National Championship game.

In a nutshell, apparently some supporters of the Democratic candidate, Doug Jones, used Russian-style misinformation tactics to influence the Senate election in 2017.

I know Doug Jones is calling for an investigation, and all the usual pieties, after the facts have come out. At the very least, it seems that there are no parties wearing white hats in this soap opera. This is likely to impact negatively on the Democratic Party.

I voted for Jones. However, right now, I'm sorry I did. The comment by that little so-and-so near Florence convinced me of it.

And I wonder about the veracity of what was reported about Roy Moore; although, God knows - he is a toad.

Bad kitty.

I want to throw up.

Total shit fire.