Sunday, September 30, 2012

Facts That Science . . . .

Sometimes, in the unending quest to further human knowledge, scientists and others find out some amazing things.  Will women in bikinis be used for good or for ill?  This answer lies in the very heart of individuals?
There ar some of us that may decide that cognitive processes are overrated.  Politicians have concluded that long ago.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Engineer Joke V

The value of an engineer

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem it was having with one of its multimillion-dollar machines. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded with the following: "Chalk: $1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999."

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Engineer Joke IV

So an architect and an engineer were in a bar, and the architect, holding up his glass, asks:

"Half-full? Or half-empty?  I see it as half-full..."

The engineer ponders a second before replying:

"I see a liquid containment device twice as big as it needs to be."

Monday, September 10, 2012

How to Hunt Elephants


How do you hunt elephants?

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass:
a) catch each animal seen
b) Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
c) Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm on their hands and knees.

ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the 1st animal they see N times, and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations Research Consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the vice president gets to see them. If the vice president does see a non-prehunted elephant, the staff will :
1. compliment the vice president's keen eyesight,
2. enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALESPEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALESPEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as "Desktop Elephants"

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Engineer Joke III

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information.

"The man below says, "You must be a planner."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going, and you have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

War Eagle!

Rolled Tide

The Tuscaloosa News recently reported that University of Alabama students would be with another 7% raise in tuition.

Actually, the figures are pretty grim: the costs for attending UA was $5700 a (figured on two semesters' cost) in 2007-2008; for 2012-2013 it's expected to cost $9200.  Geesh!

A huge part of the difference is that University of Alabama students have to pony up a higher percentage of the costs: tuition accounted for 55% of operating costs in 2008, but will got up to 73%.

The term 'state-supported university' is becoming a joke.  And this will screw us in the long run.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

High Beams on Mannequins

I thought I was imagining it,but it does seem that some mannequins in department stores have perky nipples, while others do not.  It seems that, unlike live women's, mannequins' bodies do not respond to chilly temps; anyway, this would not be a factor for either during summer in Huntsville, Alabama!

I'm curious about this.  Do they come that way in the factory, or did employees have to apply stick-on nipples to the department store dummies? 

("How was your work today, Herb?"

"Mom, it was a dull day, other than putting nipples on the department store dummies.")

Actually, in reading further, it seems that stores can purchase mannequins either way: those with nipples cost more than those without.  Even if the mannequins don't have heads and arms, but are only torsos.

(Arrgh!  Does this mean that nipples are more important than brains?)

And for what purpose?  Do mannequins with erect nipples translate into more sales?  Would male shoppers be more likely to frequent stores in which the mannequins are perky?  Or does this give them something to think about while they're in the husband/boyfriend park while their lady is shopping?

Or is it some kind of sexual fetish that windowdressers are vulnerable to?

And here's something else:  We've seen some towns or cities passing ordinances against lowrider pants?  Will some seedy city council in the Bible Belt pass an act forbidding mannequins from having nipples?

And, finally, we go to the one and only movie about mannequins, the one with Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall.  Kim's nipples were not in evidence.

Other observers have also noticed this phenomenon:

Monday, September 3, 2012

Engineer Joke II

There once was a young engineer, who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing.
The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole, new shoes, and was set. He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. What a great way to spend a hot afternoon. He tried to teach a few friends to vault, with no success. 

He enjoyed his cabin for years, and went out early in the spring one year. It had been a very wet winter, lots of rain afterward. When the family arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual current flowing. The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, but his wife didn't think it was safe. But, he was a good swimmer, and proceeded to have a go at it. His run and jump were flawless, he hit the water in good form, but upon surfacing, he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in streamside debris. It was a sad end for the engineer, and the family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy.

 Our lamented engineer was a Civil Engineer. Had he consulted one of his Electrical Engineer brethren, he would have been warned that "It's not vaultage that kills you, it's the current!"